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Monday, December 04, 2006
you got to have faith...
What happens when the thing you fear get the most of you?
What if you've strive so hard for a goal, but still fell short in reaching it?
What happens when things doesn't go your way?
What would you do if pressure gets inside of you?
What in the world would you do??
I wish I had all the answers to these questions. Boy, I really do wish... Then maybe, just maybe, life would be a little less complicated. One thing I do fear most right now is failure. I mean who doesn't fear that? But sometimes, even if you do want something so badly and you told yourself that you'll never let this opportunity pass, nor you'll never go wrong, you still fall short, and end up in facing your worst fear: FAILURE.
Hell yeah. How difficult can it be? Probably, people who had the most pride would agree that failure is something that shouldn't be included in one's vocabulary. But what if it's already there? And there's nothing you could do but just to accept it. Facing it is arduous. Yeah, it is really. Trust me. I am so afraid of failing in everything that sometimes it bothers me, it gets the most of me that I had to end up doing everything and anything just as not to flunk in a situation. Looking at it positively, yes, I might be doing a good job in keeping failure away from me as much as possible.
There were, are and will be times that we will experience a certain fiasco in our lives. How do we supposed to handle it? It will probably be something you wish you'd never have to go through. But what if it's inevitable? What if it's in fact a lesson for you to learn? It will be rough facing it. Worst, it could even become something so great that you might end up being miserable for the rest of your life. I've been thinking about this for a while now. What if I didn't end up with something I do want? Would that mean the end of the line for me? I hate to think about it, but that's what it is for me before. Failure was never in my dictionary. And my pride have kept it out of my system for quite sometime.
What happened to the old cliche " Try and try until you succeed"?... I may have heard that line over and over before, but I never did pause and contemplate on it even for a while, -not until now. It's just like, accepting the fact that there will be major and minor disappointments in life. But LIFE HAS TO GO ON... Right? I may be a flop once or twice in my life, but I shouldn't be allowing it to get the most of who I am today. I may stumble and fall, fail a person or two, but that doesn't mean I have to stop believing that one day, I will be somebody. A person worth the respect of the people. It's never illicit to dream big and aim high. What do we have to do, how do we prepare when there would be an instance that breaking down is not far away? Pressure would probably build up, until giving up is the best option, the light on the end of the tunnel.
Handling the burden inside you depends on how you see things. If it's something that drives you to push a little further and make you stronger, then it is definitely a positive perspective. But what if it urges you to look at things otherwise? It makes you weak, makes you vulnerable, asking questions like, "why would it have to be this way?"... That it simply makes you want to give up. I have been in this predicament a lot of times, and it wasn't easy. I've cried but my cry wasn't hard enough to shove the troubles away. There was a time, when I thought all I can really do is just to stare at it, and say "whatever will be, will be..." while wishing that there would be a miracle to save me from the nightmare. Guess what happened next?... There is still one thing I didn't do, and that is to cast my burdens and anxieties to God.
When everything and everyone lets you down, HE is the only one you can turn to. Because I know, that He will never ever turn His back against You. I may have shortcomings but He still remained faithful over me. Funny how in times of distress we get to remember God and forgot all about Him when we're overflowing with joy.. Isn't it unfair? But fortunately for us, God doesn't look at our shortcomings... He looks at our hearts, and that's what matters most. Just let it go, leave everything to Him. I've proven it a lot of times, and I am always speechless when God works... As Rob said to Kim in the Amazing Race 10, Sometimes, you got to have faith...
written at
Friday, December 01, 2006
confessions from a broken heart..
I wish I could be a secret
that will never be told.
I wish I could be the song,
that will never be heard.
Be the poem,
that was never understood.
Be someone,
whom no one would know.
So that no one could tell,
how much the pain hurts...Sometimes the love that comes unexpectedly, To lessen the agony,
would walk away without a word.of seeing it fall apart.
Why does it felt so good,
when it hurts so much?
Where did we go wrong?
I thought we had a thing going on...
When all along,
It was only me on the road.
I still think about the ifs,
If only I met you sooner,
If only I was there first with you,
We could have a happy ending..
But standing from the outside
Made me see what love really was
And now I realize,
It was never really you...
I thought you could be someone,
I can share my dreams with,
I thought you will be someone,
that I can share the rest of my life with..
Seeing your smile, hearing your laugh,
Makes my heart leap with gladness.
But now that I know,
what's right from what's wrong,
The real deal going on between the two of us...
There's no other choice but to part ways,
Even though LOVE wouldn't choose to leave...
written at
Monday, November 27, 2006
PART B
::TRIVIA::
Something important on your desk:
A pen and a notebook
Under your bed or your closet you hide:
Haha... ano ba?! mga pix na ayoko makita... hehe
If you could afford it at the moment, you would buy:
Hmm... OMG! Honda jazz.. sobrang crush ko tlga yun! I can imagine myself driving it already... waah!!
You collect:
Bags definitely... tops?! oo naman!
You don't have a lot of:
Hmm... Self confidence...
Your strangest possession:
Ano ba?! Uhm... torniquet.. ehehe
Your most expensive possession:
Cellphone?!
If your house was burning and you had time to rescue three things, they would be: phone, money at a pair of clothes! hahaha ng vain!
Something forbidden you have done that might even surprise your closest friend:
Hmm.. nothing really outrageous of some sort... walang forbidden, law abiding citizen ako eh..:)
::MI FAVORITO::
A color you like to wear:
BLACK
Piece/s of clothing you love to wear:
Hmm.. jeans.. of course..
Regardless of size/circumstance, an animal you would like to own as a pet:
Before i like rabbits.. ngayon... tiger... ehehehe
A flower you would like to grow in your gardens:
TULIPS... shux...
Favorite Number:
8... I dont know why i like it...
A smell that makes you pause:
Hugo boss for men... hmm...
Favorite food:
any pasta and pizza with no veggies... yummy...
Favorite junk food:
lays.. pringles.. ruffles...
Favorite drink:
ice tea with calamansi...
Favorite Restaurant:
Hahaha... basta masarap... no fave in particular...
Sport you enjoy watching:
UAAP BASKETBALL!!! GO USTE!!! Tennis..
Sport you enjoy playing:
Tennis... pero occassionally nalang now...
A city you'd like to visit:
PARIS!!!
A country you'd like to explore:
Ahm.. that would be US or Canada
Books you strongly recommend:
Wahaha... lahat ng MS na book! from cover to cover basahin nyo... try nyo.. goodluck!
Music you prefer to listen to:
Hillsongs, RnB, alternative.. pati emo... wahehehe
Favorite Songs:
As of now?! naku madame un... Leave me Alone, Hurt, Call Me When You're Sober... Irreplaceable ang latest... ahehehe
The Singer or band you listen to:
Music lover ako kaya madame ulet... Such as Avril, Beyonce, Clay!! (just love his voice!!).. many more...
The films you could watch over and over:
Ella Enchanted!, 13 going on 30!, ..
ACtress whose performance you admire:
Halle Berry and Anne Hathaway
AN actor whose performances you admire:
JOHNNY DEPP! and Eric Bana
TV shows you watch regularly:
Almost all reality shows.. AR, Survivor, America's next top model.. basta madame pa..
A monument you would like to have a view in your bedroom:
Ano nga ba??! hmm... lam ko na! monument ni clay!!! ohhh....
Your favorite time of the day:
night time!!
Your favorite place to sit at home:
in front of the pc... as usual... ahehe...
written at
Sunday, November 26, 2006
More about Moi... Your three best qualities:
Hmm… Assertive, Persevering, Cooperative
MOODY! Haha.. insecure (yeah..), selosa?! (definitely!)
Three words that describe how others view you:
Naku, mataray, suplada, accident prone babe.. (haha, there’s no way they're not gonna end up in these 3 words…)
Hmm.. Singing… Beauty?! Wahaha.. Brains?! Of course!!
Haha... It says: "I want to look at your pic, pampatanggal ng stress..." Ha! Akalain mong I fell for that?!... hahay...
Who gave you this special compliment:
Aww c'mon, that was in the past already.. hehe
An insult that made you burn:
Hmm... Im one of the "mean girls"... duh! akalain mong ako pa ang naging plastic?! ARgh!!
What was your reaction to this insult:
Of course gusto ko nang sabunutan! Eh kaso, ayoko pumatol sa di ko ka-level... duh!
The greatest amount of physical pain you have ever endured:
Uhm.. CAT endurance.. who could ever, ever forget that?!
The greatest amount of emotional pain you have ever endured:
Hmm... ito pinakalatest sa lahat... do i need to say it more here?! I cried my heart out. Un un..It was already something that was a part of me.. Nasa acceptance nako ng reality so okay na un...:)
Your proudest moment:
Hmm.. that would be, when our group had the 95 thesis presentation and 94 defense presentation of our group thesis.. haha!!
Your best physical feature:
Aww... I dont really know actually... hehehe
At your best, you are most like this famous person:
Hahaha... sabe nila brenda song from disney...
Something that has been on your mind lately:
Hmm... grr.. job opportunities?!!! Meron pa pala... church commitment...
Something that has been on your mind for a long time:
Argh! the same reason why I've been crying for the past months.. pero ngayon wala na... un lang kase ung pinakamatagal...
Something you learned this week:
IV insertion! woohoo!!
Something memorable that has happened to you this month:
Whoah.. Uhm... hehehe
2 things you did today:
Uhm, type and think.. hehe
2 people who occupy your thoughts the most:
Hahaha... wag na... secwet nalang...:)
Your biggest obstacle right now:
Hmm.. get a job and get a life!
Your greatest fear:
FAILURE!!!
written at
Thursday, November 23, 2006
OMG! ilove clayaiken somuch! :)
a certified clayaddict here!....claaaay!!!!
OMG! I've just seen clay aiken on Tyra! haha... hay... clayasian na naman ako right now... As in asian who loves CLAY!!! OMG!!!
Just admired him more now.... waah! clay aiken!!! He's just so real, not minding what others might say about him... aww...hehe...
written at
crazy week...
Unexpected...
Hmm... It's been a while since I've last logged in here and write my thoughts about life. Last week was a busy one for me, I have attended an IV therapy training sponsored by the Association of Nursing Service Administrators of the Philippines. The moment it started I didn't know that we're gonna be having a practical test in almost everything we'll be studying and I that's the time I realize that I do need a friend. I began to approach someone to look for a partner and that's where I met ate Rio... She's nice, smart and I didn't took an effort to break the ice between us.. We have a lot of things to talk about, and even though it was a short span of time for us to be together, we have bonded and I do cherish the time we've spent together. The second day, I've met ate Tonette, a very experienced nurse and from her, I've learned a lot of information of living the life being a nurse in its very essence.. Yeah. It was only for three days that we've spent together but it was an every minute worth of time.
The EXPERIENCE
The practicum, where we had spent all day, having a return demonstration from setting up an IV bag, to performing venipuncture to a patient's hand, doing a blood tansfusion, incorporating IV medications either directly to the IV line, via IV soluset or IV push and lastly administering Total Parenteral Nutrition. Every minute was nerve wrecking! I haven't been able to prepare myself well enough because I didn't memorize per se what was in the handbook. But after all the coldness in my hands, the lapse in my memory, it was all worth it and I've finished everything. Now I can practice IV therapy in the hospital I'll be working on. I find fulfillment having been able to practice what I need to do. I've made new friends, know what a nurse really does and perform what a nurse have to do..
It was a busy week for me, still have problems to face every day, but I have managed to survive. Haha... Never thought I could. But hey, here I am, ready to face these problems again...
Bring it on!
written at
Friday, November 10, 2006
don't let me get me...
Ever since I have started writing on my own blog, it has always been the problems that were always touched on. I wonder if there would be a day, when I'm just so happy that I don't have anything to write! Whew! That would be a total paradise... But since, I know, that in my 20 years of existence that THE DAY isn't gonna come soon, I might at least pour again my whole heart into writing.
These past few months were probably the toughest months I have ever encountered. I find myself completely lost at all. I have been thinking for quite some time now of what I would really like to do with my life. It has totally been a roller coaster ride. One moment I've been anxious, then happy, then disappointed, in love, and then depressed. I have been telling myself that I can get up when I falter.. and for now, I think its working... A very precious ex-friend or whatever you might call him once said that:"Everything is all in the mind.. Once you get to realize all of this pressure is only in your head, you'll be able to have a head start and control your situation the way where you want it to go..."
Ironic isn't it? I have learned a lot of things from him, yet he's one of the darn reasons why I have a lot of sad realizations about myself. I must admit that it was one of the happy moments in my life, i've learned a lot about life, and I'm really, really thanking him for making me realize that life isn't what you've always wanted when you were a kid. It would be far from your expectations you've made way back years ago.. I may have let go of some things, but memories will always be with me.. Maybe that's the reason why I can't seem to get off this topic.. Haha! I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me...
But what gets me?.. Hmm.. Maybe that's what I wanted to ask myself right now.. Is it really the problems that surrounds me? Is it really the pressures of growing up? Or is it really just me? Honestly, I still don't know the answer to this simple question. I'm always whining why my life is like this, why can't I be this? why can't I get that?... I feel so pathetic... But maybe that's just it.. I'm letting myself get the most of me...
Oh well...
written at
Thursday, November 02, 2006
precious memories 1
just felt like posting some of the highlights in my life... xempre part 1 pa lang yan...
written at
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
my call...
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.
So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.
written at
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
not another chick flick
I don't know what's gotten over me to watch a movie late at night knowing that I'll be having my clinical exam to the hospital I'm applying to the following day. I guess it wouldn't hurt to watch another chick flick or so I thought.. And so I was able to watch it... And I didn't expect that I would be this affected to the pointof writing something about it.. The movie "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" was the flick which made me ponder on some things for a while... Small town grocery bagger Rosalee Futch adores handsome, Hollywood bad-boy celebrity Tad Hamilton. When Tad's agent Richard Levy, in a bid to whitewash his bad-boy image, and a tabloid sponsor a "Win A Date With Tad Hamilton" contest, Rosalee joins it, and you know that she'd wins. She's up and over the moon, but her friend Pete Monash, isn't. They've been friends for about 20 years or so and he's been carrying the proverbial torch for Rosalee. Ofcourse, she flies off to Hollywood and meets Tad. The actor is intrigued and smitten by Rosalee's beauty, innocence, and honesty. Thanks to that date with Rosalee, he soon decides he's had enough of Tinseltown and wants to be 'real' again. He follows Rosalee to West Virginia, much to Pete's chagrin.. and so the story goes. I thought that Tad just wanted to play with Rosie here, but I was wrong, and he actually fell in love with her.. But after giving much thought, Pete finally decided to confess his love for that girl.. In the end, it has been the realization that Rosie's love interest all this time was Pete...
Yeah, yeah. It was a good movie though, a "feel good, sweet chick flick".. For the second time, I really don't know what's gotten over me, but the movie made me cry for a few times there.. Funny and silly at the same time, thinking that when Tad (the hollywood actor) finally had gotten to fall in love for the first time, he also experienced the first real heartbreak.. Which, apparently have the same experience as mine.. For the first time, I've experienced how to open up to someone, without asking anythin for return... Siguro nga my fault din ako, yun nga, I trusted you completely, no buts, no ifs, no questions asks.. I didn't ask anything, dahil I presumed everything was clear between us...
Grabe talaga.. I never expected I'd be this affected.. But thanks to him, for if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know that I'm capable of feeling the emotions of being a person. Nakakatawa nga eh... ang weird din at the same time, everything was a whirlwind of emotions.. I was surprised, ecstatic, depressed, in denial, angry, hurt, confused.. name it... I felt it.. The realization of knowing that you cannot have the thing you want most is ANGUISH... Pero, without this situation in my life, I wouldn't be able to tell myself that I'm strong enough to face anything. It has made me tough, it has made me know how to be a TRUE SURVIVOR, in its real essence..
All my life, I thought I was cold as ice, that I'm not gonna be hurt just like that, that I won't be torn apart by the mere fact of loving someone so much. But life has proven me damn wrong... And I fell flat on my face, its something that transformed my persona into someone much more mature, open to new perspectives in life... It took me sometime to wallow everything up, but as I recuperate, I've began to see everything in a broader perception...
As of now, Im proud to say... I've known how to love, be loved, be hurt, and be able to stand tall and say: "yeah, I've grown..."
written at